Emerging, the Journey

Until very recently, I never thought there would be a spiritual place to call home. Everything Christian seemed so entrenched in propositions, that mystery had lost its rightful place in the journey of faith. I wondered if there was anyone else in the world who saw God as Mystery and faith as journey. Enter the Emergent Conversation.

Growing up in the deep South, a physical child of wonderful parents, but a spiritual child of modernist fundamentalism, I carried some baggage. "Some" doesn't quite do the amount of baggage I carried justice - it was (and sometimes still is) a U-Haul full of packed baggage. Despite the good intentions of my Christian school teachers, and hell-and-brimstone preachers, I was in a constant state of wondering about the security of my eternal salvation. Did I say the sinner's prayer correctly? With enough conviction? The onslaught of adolescence provoked uneasy questions, which sought heretical answers, producing guilty feelings and a deep sense of spiritual isolation.

Keeping up the act was paramount though, especially if I didn't want to lose my one and only personal money source - being the church pianist. On top of that, I was coming to realize the unwelcome fact that I was attracted to my best friend who just happened to be a boy. I sang about the love of Jesus, then endured a sermon on the fires of hell prepared especially for sodomites.

Keeping up the act led me to the hypocritical decision to marry, and attend a seminary (a Southern Baptist one to boot). All the while dreaming of a relationship with another man, and a God who would bless it, I finished my Bachelor's degree while my now ex-wife finished her Master of Divinity degree. Though she knew of my religious doubts, and my homosexuality, we both agreed to go into missions upon our graduation. After attending the missionary training course for our denomination, we were sent off to Asia for a two-year term.

It was unbearable after six months. I despised myself for being so hypocritical, for saying I believed so many things I did not, for "converting" people who I sensed were already covered by God's grace. It's strange that I always sensed God's grace on others, but never on myself. Had it not been of the culture shock accompanying everything else during our service, I would likely still be living in a framwork of legalism. Praise God for the things that seem as if they are going to destroy us, but only exist to bring us into His loving embrace!

The breaking point having occurred, my now ex-wife and I separated. The first thing I needed on the way to a realization of the all-enveloping grace of God was to recognize the sacredness of who I am in God's image. Coming to terms with God's willingness to bless my relationship with another man was step number one. Interestingly enough, celebration of my sexuality was not experienced as a part of God's plan at first. I hedonistically ran with it, doing all the things I ever dreamed of. I denied God's existence, proclaiming myself a queer atheist. And it felt good! I had never experienced such freedom. In hindsight, this experience shows me that journeys of faith rarely appear as puritanical as many think they should. However, they always lead to God's grace, love, acceptance, and truth.

I was then (and still am) living in Korea, teaching during the day, and partying at night. The partying was fun, but after a few months, I sensed something was missing. It started out as a small vacuum within, growing bigger until I finally questioned whether this "freedom" was the end of my story. Perhaps there was something more. I never really lost my attraction to Jesus, and my dusty Bible always "stared" at me from the bookshelf. I hated the Bible, but loved Jesus.

There was no really dramatic re-conversion experience for me. In fact, conversion as it is commonly seen by most evangelicals seems silly to me. How are a few words supposed to change anything? Isn't conversion supposed to be a process? A journey with Christ instead of a point approached and left behind? Isn't living a Christ-life more important than assenting to right theology? I came to see the Christian life in a much deeper way than my upbringing showed me. Anyone can rattle off rote theological truisms; the challenge lies in truly following. I don't even think many people know what following really means, particularly in Western culture, even more particularly in American culture. Aren't we too individualistic to follow someone, even Christ? Anyway, I knew things had to be different.

I desired mystery and journey. I "desired" them, not in the sense of wanting a piece of candy, but in the sense of deeply needing them. Then, I remembered God's words to Moses at the burning bush, "I Am." Period. What the hell is that? No explanations, no descriptions, no syste-freakin-matic theology! And then I thought, "There's a load of mystery in that, and I'm lovin' it!" What's the point in conversing/journeying with Someone you already know everything about?

All that to say, I am thankful God has brought me to the point in my life in which I realize His mystery, and by that, His immense beauty. And the strange thing is, the more mysterious He seems, the more wrapped up in His grace I feel. The more I love to worship and adore Him. Systematic theology kills that for me. It might do it for some people, but it kills the joy in following Christ for me.

So where am I now? In the middle of Nowhere with the Ultimate Someone. I can't speak Korean, and not many people I come into contact with can communicate with me well enough in English to be satisfying. I don't go to church, not because I think I'm better than my brothers and sisters here, but just because after experiencing God anew, I cannot go back to the old systems. And there's no emerging, postmodern fellowship here that I know of. But I do experience some amazing worship times in the most profane (see Eliade's usage) things: when one of my students shows pride in work well done, while listening to a superb organist, while making love to me partner, etc. I thank God for bringing me to Himself in exactly the way I needed, and for doing it while I'm in Korea. I know upon my return to the States, I'll never take for granted the accessibility of emerging fellowships to which I can belong and contribute.

Peace & blessings to all who read this.

*Anyone new to the Emergent Conversation within Christianity should not assume that all emergent participants approve of homosexual relationships by the content of my writings*