Wrestling With God

I can see it now. The lights dim, people in their pews (chairs, whatever) waiting with bated breath for the ultimate smackdown. The mic descends slowly from the ceiling overhead the ring, a minister wearing black spandex waiting to make his announcement. D-Generation X blares over the multiple Panaray MB-4 modular bass loudspeakers strategically located around the periphery of the sanctuary. Mic now in hand, the ministers yells, "Let's get ready to rumble", drawing out "rumble" for maximum effect. Ah, I can only imagine.....

What if we approached God, more often than not, with an attitude of confrontation rather than submissiveness? What if we did this not just within the Community meeting, but also individually? I don't know about you, but sometimes I just get plain lethargic in worship services and in my personal journey. I am so used to saying "OK, God, have it your way", rather than "I don't think so. Let's go outside." I am not suggesting an attitude of defiance; rather, I am bemoaning our inability to question in order to discover. Take a look at the story of Jacob's wrestling match with God in Genesis 32: 22-32.

22The same night he arose and took his two wives, his two female servants, and his eleven children, and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23He took them and sent them across the stream, and everything else that he had. 24And Jacob was left alone. And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day. 25When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he touched his hip socket, and Jacob's hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. 26Then he said, "Let me go, for the day has broken." But Jacob said, "I will not let you go unless you bless me." 27And he said to him, "What is your name?" And he said, "Jacob." 28Then he said, "Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with men, and have prevailed." 29Then Jacob asked him, "Please tell me your name." But he said, "Why is it that you ask my name?" And there he blessed him. 30So Jacob called the name of the place Peniel, saying, "For I have seen God face to face, and yet my life has been delivered." 31The sun rose upon him as he passed Penuel, limping because of his hip. 32Therefore to this day the people of Israel do not eat the sinew of the thigh that is on the hip socket, because he touched the socket of Jacob's hip on the sinew of the thigh.

What has happened to this ancient tradition of fighting with God? It's not an avant-garde suggestion. All the prophets did it, and the wisdom books of the Bible are filled with questions, not answers. Why have we become so laissez-faire when it comes to following God? Jacob wrestled with God, breaking his leg in the process, and threatened God with continued fighting if he did not receive a blessing. How much more rich our journeys would be if would just learn to be comfortable with "fighting" God! It'd probably make His life a lot more interesting too.

Church Signs

This isn't the first time I've seen this particular quote on a church sign. That the deep truth of it escapes the people of this particular church (and much of the Church in general) is beyond my comprehension. To many people, both followers of Christ and non, the church has become the one place to go to feel worse if you're already feeling bad. Beyond the humor of this sign lies a tragedy that I'm sure breaks the heart of God. How many people have left the Church feeling defeated, used, betrayed, and worthless? How many could have encountered the fathomless grace of the Father instead of rules and regulations leading to spiritual, and sometimes physical, death?

I am reminded of the statistics I've seen of gay men and women who are so guilt-ridden by the institutional church's teaching on homosexuality that they consider suicide the best alternative. Considering that: homophobia is for the most part based on 6 quotations from the Bible; most Christian churches have actively preached hatred of homosexuality (and homosexuals) for decades; many conservative Christian churches are presently leading the crusade to prevent equal rights for gays and lesbians, prohibit same-sex marriages, and prevent accurate information on sexual orientation from entering the public schools, it is believed that Christian churches are responsible for no less than 40% of the homophobia in the United States. More to the point, a conservative estimate is that churches are directly or indirectly responsible for no fewer than 496 youth gay/lesbian suicides per year.

Evidence of the church's guilt in this regard is clearly voiced by John Smid, program director of Love in Action, concerning homosexuality: "I would rather you commit suicide than have you leave Love In Action wanting to return to the gay lifestyle. In a physical death you could still have a spiritual resurrection; whereas, returning to homosexuality you are yielding yourself to a spiritual death from which there is no recovery." (http://www.whosoever.org/issue4/issue4_LIA.html)

Anyone who asks if Jesus would ever say anything like this, and answers in the affirmative, needs to re-read the words of Christ, "I have come that they may have life ever more abundant." Life is what the church is called to offer - not death. Peace & blessings.

180 Degrees

Wow! I apologize for that excruciating stream of consciousness that is my first post~ However, the rule I made for myself when starting this blog is that I would never delete anything I wrote and published, no matter how annoying or imperfect. It's part of the emerging process, which never really stops, not even at physical death. Anyway, if you got through that post, and are still reading, blessings on you:)

I was thinking last night while staring at my pale blue ceiling how true and meaningful "opposites" of the things we cherish can actually be. And how it's possible that opposites don't always (in fact, rarely), mean contradictions. Both sides are necessary, but way too much attention is usually paid to only one side. I started thinking about this within the context of my faith, and discovered some really cool things about doing a 180 - things you probably discovered a long time ago. I'm a bit late on the emerging track.

The Word of God / The Silence of God

Whenever Christians, particularly evangelicals, think of the Bible, they think of it as the Word of God. A word that speaks to them in their personal situation. A word that gives them right direction, or food for thought. There is always this sense of guidance when opening the pages of scripture, no matter if the person opening it is an inerrantist or not. Preachers usually utilize scripture with their speech, always talking, sometimes hitting the nail on the head. Sometimes not. As beautiful as the Word of God is, the Silence of God is equally as beautiful. God sometimes speaks, is sometimes silent. This silence is wonderful and peaceful at times; it is frightening at other times. Yet, it is one way God interacts with Her creatures. Most Christians prefer word to silence, but how much more we grow in the Divine Silence! In the midst of it, I hate the deafening silence; in hindsight, I praise God's awesome way of doing what needs to be done.

The Son of God / The Daughter of God (or Father God/Mother God)

I'm not trying to be heretical here. I usually don't have to try too hard for that~ I love Christ as the son of God. As the beautiful representation of God's character and love who came in human flesh. Incarnation never ceases to amaze me, especially when I realize that incarnation continues in the present. Now, the Church is the incarnation of God in the world.

But as the Church, we are comprised of men and women. The Son of God image does it for me. I am male after all. But what about my sisters in Christ? Some female Christians identify just fine with a male Christ; others would love a Daughter of God image. And why shouldn't they have that? Christ, as the embodiment of a multi-gender God, wasn't only male, but also just as much female. A sort of native American niizh manitoag, a "two-spirit" person. Male and female combined. Not only is this a comforting "opposite" for many females, but also for our gay, lesbian, and transgendered brothers and sisters.

Learning / Listening (I mean, really listening -> following)

Of course, these two things don't have to be exclusive, but they often are. Learning is useful, and exciting (to me, anyway), but it just doesn't cut it in real Christianity. If God's purpose for His people was just to learn facts and theories, what a boring and useless purpose that would be! "Drop what you're doing and follow me" was the exclamation of Christ to his disciples. Listening takes guts. Learning is safe. Listening and following is scary, 'cause you often don't know where you're going. Where will Christ take us next? Following makes us listen, makes us ready to move, prepares us for action.

Propositions / Mystery

This is my personal favorite 180. I have come to hate propositions. I know this is not always a good thing, and I constantly have to remember the important place of beliefs agreed upon within the Community of Christ. However, I remain convinced that statements of faith usually quench the awesome, inherent mystery within the Christian faith. Right belief too often = boorrrrrring. I can say "Jesus is God" until I turn blue in the face. How often do we think about how "Jesus is God" actually works? What does that really mean? It's less important for me to actually assent to "Jesus is God" than to really think about what it means. The same applies to all statements of orthodoxy. And some orthodox statements just don't jive with life in Christ as we experience it. Mystery has to play a role in faith. Who wants to worship a God we fully understand?

I could do this all day, but I'd have to apologize again for my "stream of consciousness." Think about some 180s that are meaningful to you. Peace & blessings.

Emerging, the Journey

Until very recently, I never thought there would be a spiritual place to call home. Everything Christian seemed so entrenched in propositions, that mystery had lost its rightful place in the journey of faith. I wondered if there was anyone else in the world who saw God as Mystery and faith as journey. Enter the Emergent Conversation.

Growing up in the deep South, a physical child of wonderful parents, but a spiritual child of modernist fundamentalism, I carried some baggage. "Some" doesn't quite do the amount of baggage I carried justice - it was (and sometimes still is) a U-Haul full of packed baggage. Despite the good intentions of my Christian school teachers, and hell-and-brimstone preachers, I was in a constant state of wondering about the security of my eternal salvation. Did I say the sinner's prayer correctly? With enough conviction? The onslaught of adolescence provoked uneasy questions, which sought heretical answers, producing guilty feelings and a deep sense of spiritual isolation.

Keeping up the act was paramount though, especially if I didn't want to lose my one and only personal money source - being the church pianist. On top of that, I was coming to realize the unwelcome fact that I was attracted to my best friend who just happened to be a boy. I sang about the love of Jesus, then endured a sermon on the fires of hell prepared especially for sodomites.

Keeping up the act led me to the hypocritical decision to marry, and attend a seminary (a Southern Baptist one to boot). All the while dreaming of a relationship with another man, and a God who would bless it, I finished my Bachelor's degree while my now ex-wife finished her Master of Divinity degree. Though she knew of my religious doubts, and my homosexuality, we both agreed to go into missions upon our graduation. After attending the missionary training course for our denomination, we were sent off to Asia for a two-year term.

It was unbearable after six months. I despised myself for being so hypocritical, for saying I believed so many things I did not, for "converting" people who I sensed were already covered by God's grace. It's strange that I always sensed God's grace on others, but never on myself. Had it not been of the culture shock accompanying everything else during our service, I would likely still be living in a framwork of legalism. Praise God for the things that seem as if they are going to destroy us, but only exist to bring us into His loving embrace!

The breaking point having occurred, my now ex-wife and I separated. The first thing I needed on the way to a realization of the all-enveloping grace of God was to recognize the sacredness of who I am in God's image. Coming to terms with God's willingness to bless my relationship with another man was step number one. Interestingly enough, celebration of my sexuality was not experienced as a part of God's plan at first. I hedonistically ran with it, doing all the things I ever dreamed of. I denied God's existence, proclaiming myself a queer atheist. And it felt good! I had never experienced such freedom. In hindsight, this experience shows me that journeys of faith rarely appear as puritanical as many think they should. However, they always lead to God's grace, love, acceptance, and truth.

I was then (and still am) living in Korea, teaching during the day, and partying at night. The partying was fun, but after a few months, I sensed something was missing. It started out as a small vacuum within, growing bigger until I finally questioned whether this "freedom" was the end of my story. Perhaps there was something more. I never really lost my attraction to Jesus, and my dusty Bible always "stared" at me from the bookshelf. I hated the Bible, but loved Jesus.

There was no really dramatic re-conversion experience for me. In fact, conversion as it is commonly seen by most evangelicals seems silly to me. How are a few words supposed to change anything? Isn't conversion supposed to be a process? A journey with Christ instead of a point approached and left behind? Isn't living a Christ-life more important than assenting to right theology? I came to see the Christian life in a much deeper way than my upbringing showed me. Anyone can rattle off rote theological truisms; the challenge lies in truly following. I don't even think many people know what following really means, particularly in Western culture, even more particularly in American culture. Aren't we too individualistic to follow someone, even Christ? Anyway, I knew things had to be different.

I desired mystery and journey. I "desired" them, not in the sense of wanting a piece of candy, but in the sense of deeply needing them. Then, I remembered God's words to Moses at the burning bush, "I Am." Period. What the hell is that? No explanations, no descriptions, no syste-freakin-matic theology! And then I thought, "There's a load of mystery in that, and I'm lovin' it!" What's the point in conversing/journeying with Someone you already know everything about?

All that to say, I am thankful God has brought me to the point in my life in which I realize His mystery, and by that, His immense beauty. And the strange thing is, the more mysterious He seems, the more wrapped up in His grace I feel. The more I love to worship and adore Him. Systematic theology kills that for me. It might do it for some people, but it kills the joy in following Christ for me.

So where am I now? In the middle of Nowhere with the Ultimate Someone. I can't speak Korean, and not many people I come into contact with can communicate with me well enough in English to be satisfying. I don't go to church, not because I think I'm better than my brothers and sisters here, but just because after experiencing God anew, I cannot go back to the old systems. And there's no emerging, postmodern fellowship here that I know of. But I do experience some amazing worship times in the most profane (see Eliade's usage) things: when one of my students shows pride in work well done, while listening to a superb organist, while making love to me partner, etc. I thank God for bringing me to Himself in exactly the way I needed, and for doing it while I'm in Korea. I know upon my return to the States, I'll never take for granted the accessibility of emerging fellowships to which I can belong and contribute.

Peace & blessings to all who read this.

*Anyone new to the Emergent Conversation within Christianity should not assume that all emergent participants approve of homosexual relationships by the content of my writings*